Its not the lack of love in a marriage that causes people to leave but the lack of friendship. And right now, as I look at my own I see the flaws in which I have contributed too as well. We are not really friends, friends. We parent with each other and we sometimes go do things with each other you know like go see a movie. But we don’t really do more than that.
I worry that I am not good enough to be the person out here spouting all the ideas of self improvement and finding your thread when I have lost the grasp on mine.
It is also hard to admit how far gone I am because I worry that people will see that as the excuse for my failures and not trust me anymore.
The thought always comes to me is that my over love for life will be the thing that kills my husband. It used to be the thing that stopped me from living because I was afraid that if I choose to live life to the shear amount of the joy that was humanly possible he will see how he wasn’t doing the same and instead of growing with me he would choose to die instead.
When my Summer started, it started off with learning that my mother is dying of incurable cancer…
I thought that happiness was this magical thing that was hard to grasp on too but when you did it would fill you full and you never would need to search for again. I thought that to find it I would need to first find it in others. So I spent years searching for a mate and then more years searching for it in my kids.
But I forgot to search within myself.
So when I had everything I ever wanted I realized it still wasn’t what I was searching for.
We are not meant to live this life to only satisfy our needs. We are meant to live and build alongside others. To create this community of souls learning for their human mishaps. To transform what has once been a burden to one into a triumph for another.
You are not meant to exist you are meant to live. To live on your terms. To live the life you want. regardless of what others have told you in the past.
Does the heaviness of the water on my skin calm my body or am I at lost for air that I am unsure if I am truly submerge or if this is just how life should be for me now.
All I know is my lungs are screaming. My heart is pounding and life is still there.
So I have been sitting here looking at this screen… … questioning what to write to you guys I think that is one of the hardest part about sharing yourself every day, is that you indeed share yourself, every day. Sometimes I share so much that I don’t have a lot left for me. The other […]
I woke up that morning, as I normally did. There was no extra magic tucked under the covers ready for it to burst into my life, handing me what I wanted. But instead, as my feet touched the floor, I knew it would be a different world for me.