The other day I read a post on Facebook in passing. It was a post about a
couple in their 80’s who’ve been married for over 50 years and they got that
same question we all wonder. “How did you manage to stay married all
these years?” I of course assumed the answer would be the same old We
never go to bed angry thing. Which if you’re married than you
know that is never the case.
But it wasn’t. The Husband stated that how he chooses to stayed married for
this long was that he embraced all the times he wife changed. He said that by now he’s most likely been married to about 8 different women if not more.
And that each time his wife challenged herself to become a new version of
the person she was he watched in amazement and embraced whatever came with it.
I love that answer.
I think we are often too quick to leave a relationship, one we are married
in or not. Because we tend to struggle when the other person has a sense of
growth or sometimes a lack of growth.
Now of course I am not referring to any relationship that causes you mental
or physical abuse but more of those that tend to grow apart naturally. So
please bare that in mind as you read further.
We do this naturally as humans as we evolve, and of course it would be only natural for that to happen with the person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.
We each are on our own paths and every step we take will either lead us
together or drift us apart. I have seen that in my own marriage more than once.
And I’ll reach a certain point in my own marriage where I will blame my
lover for not challenging himself or not seeing all the progress I have made.
And I’ll think this is not worth it anymore. I will find someone else who
can see my potential or push me to become more. and I’ll declare to the
universe to help me move on.
Which whenever I have those moments, I end up having very real conversations with people in my life who have been divorced after their previous marriage ended badly due to abuse or not.
And I will go home, see what I have and wonder… is it worth it? Is what I
have really something that is worth leaving for? What will I gain if I leave?
I’ll think back to their stories and look at mine and try to find the reason
to leave. Because if I am that unhappy with my partner than of course there
should be big red warning signs that will give me the easy answer to pack up and go.
But here is the thing. Their story is not my story. Their marriage is not my
marriage. They wanted or need something different than I do. I want to be like that old couple in their 80’s giving out advice on why they were able to stay married for so long. Because I believe that in my own marriage right now I can embrace my husband’s growth (or lack of) as I also embrace my own.
Its not the lack of love in a marriage that causes people to leave but the lack of friendship. And right now, as I look at my own I see the flaws in which I have contributed too as well. We are not really friends, friends. We parent with each other and we sometimes go do things with each other you know like go see a movie. But we don’t really do more than that.
When the husband and I have gotten into fights in the past he would always
say something to the point of we are only just roommates anyway. And I would get so offended by that. What? I would never think how could we be just roommates I love you with all my heart and would never think of you that way.
But now that I truly look at our relationship I see that it is true. We do
what roommates do. We crash on the couch and have so, so conversations and then we live our own lives separated from each other’s.
And look I don’t believe that we need to be so immersed into each other’s lives that we don’t give each other the chance to breathe but we should at least make time to get to know each other better.
So yes, I could leave and start a new life with a new person who maybe on
the same level if not higher than me and challenge myself for growth and find happiness in that. I am sure of it.
But I could also do the same in the relationship that am in currently.
There is work to do either way. And this way I at least get to be with a
partner who has seem me grow and challenge myself. Who we have kids with.
So today, I will make effort in learning to be friends with my husband again
and here is to hoping that he also makes the same choice and we begin to build our life with each other in mind and we see the value in building our foundation back up.
Because I believe that it is important to embrace each other regardless of
what part of life we are in. I know that’s what I would want. I would want
someone to choose me again even if it meant taking the time to relearn what our love is like.
So that’s what I am going to do today, Today I’ll choose him.