Let’s be honest.
I am depressed. Most days I can not function let alone run a business. I am letting people down. I am not following through on things that I need too and I barely have my head above water.
I see what once was a thriving art business fall through the cracks and honestly I am not reaching out to catch it anymore.
There a moments in my day that I am extremely happy and dance and laugh and love my kids and cuddle in my husbands arms and all is right in the world.
But those are brief and when I am in those moments I don’t see that I am until it’s too late.
I think the hardest part of this depression is the fact that I am so public online. I share when I am happy, when I am sad and all the in between moments and well its too much for me sometimes.
I worry that I am not good enough to be the person out here spouting all the ideas of self improvement and finding your thread when I have lost the grasp on mine.
It is also hard to admit how far gone I am because I worry that people will see that as the excuse for my failures and not trust me anymore.
I also worry that I am not allowing myself to in fact pivot because of the exceptions that I feel from those around me. I put myself in this box of you all getting to know me, the real me. That I don’t want to disappoint you all either.
I know my potential. I know that what I have to offer the world will change it but right not I can not even change my heart.
I feel alone, overwhelmed and tired. I want all that I have to dissipate so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
I don’t what to be held up to anyone’s expectations of me because right now I will let everyone down and I know it. I have already done it. Even if you all say it is fine. We all know that it is not. You want what I can not give right now. And that’s okay.
So here is my game plan.
- I will no longer be doing customs. Will that change in the future? You bet. Right now, it is just not possible.
- I will be pausing my Patreon Page Dec. 1 (meaning that you all will not be charged but you also will not be receiving goods from me.) This could be temporary or it may become permit. – All those that I owe drawings too, my hopes is that I will be finished with them by the end of this year.
- My Newsletter, YouTube, my Podcast or anything else like that will still be sporadic and I wont feel bad about that.
- Art Class will no longer be offered by me. (this may change in the future.)
- Dance parties will still be required on the daily, in my kitchen with my kids.
What you will see from me:
- Art, however I want to create it.
- My Etsy shop still will be open with PRINTS and any Embroidery pieces I may have done.
- I just launched my T-Shirt shop that ships for me. That will be opened with new designs added on my terms.
- I will be a vendor at local markets
- I will still show up online and in person trying to do my best and learning to set boundaries.
What can you do for me?
- Love me for who I am, even when its messy.
- Check in on me. Send me an email, a DM, say hi when you see me. It makes my heart happy to know that we are friends even if its just online.
- If I am happy and loud. That means I am happy and loud.- Don’t pry or push me into talking about things. I may not want too or I may have already talk it through with someone else.
- Like, share or purchase my art if you can.
- Be patient with me. Allow me to take space to regroup.
I am doing all that I can to get me back to a space that this feels good. That I don’t feel required to add in unneeded pressure. I think it is easy to see someone online and think they have it all together but I am here telling that right now, I do not have it all together. But what I do have is the ability to say enough, stop, regroup and set boundaries.
It’s interesting that now that I am in the space how quickly it was for me to judge those who’ve been here before and question why they would stop doing something that was doing so well.
I always wonder why people gave up on something that I loved that they did when I’ll I saw was how great it was for me. Like when businesses closed their doors just as they were peaking or when people went in a completely different direction.
I always asked WHY, why would they do that when it was going all so well.
Now I know, It was taking a toll on them. It didn’t allow for them to freely move in the direction they wanted, that they needed. I get it now.
And hey, I could have set my boundaries with out telling you the reason but that is just not who I am. I believe that the more I share my story, my heart. The more it allows others to be open to a new way of thinking as well.
So I hope that you’re read this with a light heart knowing that I am doing all that I can to bring me to a space that will give me the chance to breath again. That will guide me to a new leveled playing field which will let me explore the depths of what lies there.
I am sad, yes. But I also am fine. I am grieving the loss of so many things including the soon to be loss of my mother but I am also grieving the person I was so I can become the person I am now.
So Thank you for allowing me the strength to in fact grow. I hope that you read this and understand a little bit more and allow me the grace to set these needed boundaries.
Look maybe if you have some that you need to set that you could do the same. We all deserve grace in moments of hardship.
Today, I am asking for mine.