My over love for life will be the thing that kills my husband

Last night I saw my husband’s body overcome with so much fear that he literally was unable to move, talk, think or act. This wasn’t the first time I have bared witness to this. But it was the first time that I realized just how hard change can be for others.

We both made a choice to literally uproot ourselves, purchase a new home that will cost us more as well as require us to give up and let go of things and all previous expectations of the future we saw for ourselves.

We both lived through the same moment walking through the home, examined it, talking about how wonderful it would be, what we could do to it, how to decorate it, what to do with the yard, where to put things, what kid gets what room etc.

We both went to the meetings with the lender, we both experienced each aspect of the purchase of this home. We both were there to sign the papers.

I was elated and overcome with joy and welcomed the change. Deeming that this will give me the kick in the pants to discover something new and I couldn’t wait!  He was overcome by fear. A fear that paralyzed him.

What do you do in that moment when you see the person you love melt into the couch with a glossy look of fear on their face when you’re at your highest moment and he is at his lowest?

I wanted to scream, and yell and complain that he was ruining yet another good moment with his over dramatic life issues. I screamed as I thought, Can’t you get over it! This is a good thing! This will be the thing that will change us for the better! WE are in this together! You are not alone! Why can’t you just be happy damn it!

Instead I held him.

Put all my body weight on top of him. Smothered his fears and cuddle his heart. In hopes that he could see, feel, be present, come back and realize that this will not break us. Please don’t let this break us.

The thought always comes to me is that my over love for life will be the thing that kills my husband. It used to be the thing that stopped me from living because I was afraid that if I choose to live life to the shear amount of the joy that was humanly possible he will see how he wasn’t doing the same and instead of growing with me he would choose to die instead.

For years, I let his threat of suicided determine how I would live my life.  But you can only be YOUR best self and NOT somebody else’s.

The fear I have of him ending his life was not allowing me to live mine.

So, I embrace this fear, let go of the guilt that comes with it. See it for what it is.

His thing.

I can love him, that is all I can do.

I can be there when the moments get hard.

I can spout off wisdom in hopes it will change his mind.

What I can not do, is stop living my life because he is too afraid to live his.

We all have moments in our own life that will require us to dig ourselves out of an emotional hole. To walk along side of fear, pain, uncertainty. Hope that we made the right turn when it comes to the end.

I have to be selfish. Not only for me, but for him. As well as our kids.

My kids see, just as he saw his own dad experience this over powering fear that can control your life.

My goal is that because I make the choice to be selfish and chase after the scary big things that life provides that they will too. That they will not let fear control them.  That they will face it head on and win.

What a deep sigh of a moment this all is.

It is hard to combine your life with another’s. To chase after your dreams and fight your fears while watching someone not doing the same.

 You wonder what life would be like if they took on the same fight as you. If they would find joy just as you did when you let all that other bullshit go. If they stopped being afraid of what could go wrong and start being excited about what could go right.

All I can do now is continue to teach courage in our home because the fears we don’t face will become our limits and I refuse to let his become mine.

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