Currently, I am sitting by a window in my local coffee shop eating a vegan breakfast dish that is well delish with headphones on listening to Billie Eilish yet again. There is something about getting out of the house that makes you feel more alive or it does for me anyway. My house feels stuffy and normal and the same. The walls close in and I can feel the depression seep back into my soul. But being out, being here, doing something for myself even if I scheduled it before I headed into work reminds me that I am a real person too. Not just a mom, just a wife, just an employee I am me.
I watch as the people pass the window each moving towards something, somewhere making me feel less alone on this big spinning ball. Summer is approaching fast for me. I have 10 days left at work and it feels like I am finally looking at the light at the end of this tunnel. Air is there ready for me to breathe, that my legs start to run towards it.
My soul yearns for the freedom that summer seems to bring me. I am not held up to anyone else’s expectations besides my own. I can wake, make, lay in the grass, put my hands in the dirt, grow something.
There is just
f r e e d o m
that is needed for me to function.
This year, instead of falling into the guilt that I should be with my kids 100% of the time because that’s what moms should be doing when they are not working I choose to do what is best for me. Each kid will have a place to go to for a few hours every other day (if not every day) leaving me with those hours to do what is BEST for me.
Maybe I will spending it writing to you, maybe I will paint in the mornings, go out with friends, binge watch TV who knows!
Those hours are for my business to grow but also for my soul to breathe.
This year I am not going to let the guilt win, I will not give in. And although there are some mothers out there that relish in spending all the time they have with their kids and thrive. I am not one of those people.
It has taken years to come to terms with that.
Years I have doubted my abilities. Questioned why I would feel that way. How couldn’t I just be one of those moms.
Why can’t I give all my time to my husband to my kids? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be content in giving all myself to them?
What I learned is that there is nothing wrong with who I am, I was just telling myself the wrong story. I was trying to live in the story of someone else.
When I came to that realization I had to learn to close their book and open up mine.
I know that you hear me talk about this a lot and I am sure it is because it’s still just so raw for me. There are still days and months that I will doubt what I am doing and fall back into this comparison hole I dig and it is hard to climb out of it.
The more I chat, the more I come to understanding that life will be full of learning and relearning until whatever lesson you needed finally sticks (for now) and you can move on to the next.
I was watching Grey’s Anatomy the other night or was it the spin off show 911? I am not sure. But in there they talked about dealing with one bleeder at a time. That when you are in the mix of it all and everything is falling apart. You have to stop and deal with one bleeder at a time.
You can not fix it all at once. You can only just take small steps to big change.
For me now I am learning let go of the guilt that comes when the idea of who you should be is not who you are. That learning to love myself in spite of that will not only allow me to grow as a human but it will also provided me the space to find the little joys along the way.
I think I feel the guilt so much right now regarding motherhood because I am in the phase of mourning the person I wished I could be. I wish that I could hold open my arms and grasp onto motherhood with a force of power that makes me the superwomen that we are told we could be if we only did it all.
But I realize that the power I have is learning to let go of that and do what is best for me. I can only do what I am capable of.
Yes, I can become capable of more but only when I understand the limitations I have placed on myself.
What is it that allows me to thrive? How do I hinder my abilities in that? If I let go of those expectations that have been placed on me as well as the ones I place on myself what is it that will allow me to succeed?
Success is what to me? What does that look like for me?
When we are open to asking ourselves hard questions we will be open to the answer they provide.
For me success is not the idea of the physical money in the bank account or the nicest house it could buy but instead it provides the time, adventures, moments, freedom, passion, grit and life lived.
A successful life for me will come with the freedom to be selfish.
I always wanted to be a mother, a wife. I wanted those things so badly that I thought about it daily. When I got them, I realized that it wasnt me that wanted them instead what I wanted was the idea of what they would provide me.
h a p p i n e s s
I thought that happiness was this magical thing that was hard to grasp on too but when you did it would fill you full and you never would need to search for again. I thought that to find it I would need to first find it in others. So I spent years searching for a mate and then more years searching for it in my kids.
But I forgot to search within myself.
So when I had everything I ever wanted I realized it still wasn’t what I was searching for.
Maybe you are in a moment in your life right now that you got what you thought you wanted to only realize that it wasn’t what you needed in the first place.
Will you be brave enough to start over?
and look starting over for me was not divorcing my husband or resenting my kids but instead setting boundaries and putting my needs first regardless. Even when it is hard and even when they didn’t get it.
Okay let stop and I want you to Imagine that you have the approval and overly enthusiastic support of everyone in your life right now and from that support what would you do?
and now I want to you to ask yourself what will it take for you to be fully engaged in that dream? What steps can you take now to build back your relationship with own yourself so you can have that freedom to be you regardless of the support of others.
What is the “bleeder” that you can stop now?
Letting go of my super woman mentality.
|NEW IN BE FAB LAND|
My goodness it has been a bit since I have updated you on all the things here.
Check out some things that’s happened that you may have missed:
I am VLOGGING now!
Danielle from the Merriweather Council interviewed me for Season 5 on her PODCAST!
The Be Fab Art Box with Jordsens Sewing Studio shipped out. You can still purchase it HERE
See how Jordan free motioned my pattern from the box her IG POST
CHANGES are happening on my PATREON page. So if you are a member make sure you head there and watch the video.
My art class the University of Utah started yesterday! Can’t wait to share more about it!
My UNICORN DOLL MAKING CLASS is happening on May 25th! I have just a few tickets left! Come make a unicorn with me!
And I got into CRAFT LAKE CITY!!