Life Submerged

I think one of the better qualities about me is that I am able to be comfortable enough to be completely honest to how I feel. I am very good at giving space to my emotions so that they can breathe and so in turn I can then analyze them.

Because of this trait I also believe that I am able to help others find that same freedom of expression so that they too can breathe through the hard things and relish in the good.

The more I share, the more I see how I impact others and how they also impact my life as well. I truly believe that I have grown as a person because this. With 2018 ending soon and 2019 upon us I am starting to reflect on how this year has impacted me and how I want 2019 to start off as.

Now I don’t like the pressure of new year resolutions. Because for me I tend to not follow the rules just to spite them so I end up giving up pretty quickly on those. So instead I focus on one word that will help me get back to the roots of how I want this year to go.

In 2017 my word was purpose. 
in 2018 my word was intention.

And for 2019 my word will be: Breath.

I have been go go go and now I want to breath and take a moment and relish in what I have, where I have been and where I am going. I need to just breath.

The last few weeks I have been sitting on this life dock, dangling my feet over the edge of a pretty big pond of deep blues. A few times I dipped them in just to see how it would feel. A couple of days ago though, my soul jumped in and I am now at the bottom suburged in nothing but the blues. 

I seem to be stuck there feeling the rocks on my toes wondering if it will be possible for me to command my body to jump up for air.

Do I like being here? I wonder. Does the heaviness of the water on my skin calm my body or am I at lost for air that I am unsure if I am truly submerge or if this is just how life should be for me now.

All I know is my lungs are screaming. My heart is pounding and life is still there.

That is why I need my word to be breath.

A lot of you are here because you and I have a connection of some sort. Either through my art or my words or in my bash bold way of being me. 

I was there where you are now.

Wishing to be more and seeing others who inspired me to be more and wondering how in the world I was going to accomplish that.

I get it.

It is easy to see someone else and want to be them then to work on yourself and be you.

What I have come to discover in this journey that I am on is that you must be willing to ask yourself some big questions and then you need to actually give some real answers.

Not the fluff ones. Not the ones your grade teachers expects to hear or you pastor or whatever. You need to give the ones that when you spit them out you worry that you said too much.

Those answers are the truth.

So what are your questions?

Here are some that I have asked myself over the years to get you started.

  • What would I do with my life if I knew there were no limits?
  • What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?
  • Am I holding onto something I need to let go of?
  • Am I comfortable with being uncomfortable?
  • If I were to die tomorrow, would any of this matter?

Just because I answered these before doesn’t mean I shouldn’t answer them again. And just because I have found what I love doesn’t mean my growth for more stops.

I got a comment on this post that I think fits perfectly with what I am trying to express…

“when we open ourselves to feel the highest highs we are also able to feel the lowest lows. That is healthy. Allow yourself the space to feel your feels, honor and process them. We aren’t designed to be at the highest high 100% of the time. Hold space for the negative and ask it what it’s trying to tell you. Be open to the message, and allow it to pass.” – Dee Frayne

There is always room for growth even in the times we think we got everything we need. I think that is why as humans we love seeing other people lifes (aka why we love social media) because then we get to learn from their experiences as well. But it is always important that we make our own too.

So if you a ready, take a moment this week or month and ask yourself some hard questions and be willing to give some truthful answers.

When you answer those questions be open to the opportunities it will give you. But note, that it will also open a lot of doors that you closed and you must be willing to grow through the sludge as well.

So just be mindful that when you start the process of healing you will unravel a ton that was left behind. Do not be afraid to face them head on as well.

The first year I started diving deep into my soul was a year that I actually started to feel and heal past issues. It was hard, but it is supposed to be. If it was easy we would have dealt with them then and not now.

At least this time you are strong enough to take it on.

What I hope not only for you but for me as well is that we can go into 2019 at little bit more prepared for what it may bring. That we take on the challenges with an open heart and allow space for the times that maybe we are submerged by the blues like I am now.

And just as Dee said on my post we must hold space for the negative and ask it what it wants from us. Next year just like this year will be full of times that life is grand and magical and full of everything you wanted and then it will also not be.

You just need to make sure that you have enough tools in your life belt to fix the leaks or create a new damn boat to take you over the blue waters and if you fall in, are you strong enough to jump up for air? Are you willing to take someone’s hand (aka counselor) to pull you through those dark troubled waters? 

And if you’re not. Ask yourself why? 

Listen to the answer you give. That is where you need to start.

That’s where you need to start.

I hope that you take the time to work on yourself. You can start next year or you can start now.

Either way just freakin start.

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