I fought with the husband last night. He brought in all my items from the Farmers Market that has been sitting in our van since Saturday. He piled up every box, every table decoration and stacked them in our living room.
Which just infuriated me. And when I type that out, it seems so silly that I flew off the handle, when all he was trying to do was help me. He was doing what he thought was a nice gesture and in hindsight it was nice.
But for me in that moment, I was so overwhelmed with all the things I needed and wanted to get done that him bringing all that in was basically a physical reminder of the things I have yet to accomplish.
I wanted those things nicely packed away until I was ready to face everything head on, I needed to be prepared to see the actual reality of what I needed to still do. I didn’t want to walk by and see piles of things that didn’t sell, that needed to be listed, that needed to be put away.
The hardest part for me about being an artist and hustling. Is that all I want to do is, be the artist.
I want to spend hours in my art room, painting and creating leaving everything else behind.
And seeing all those boxes piled up in my living room reminded me of the guilt I feel when I wish that I could run away and not have to be a mom anymore, or a wife, to not have a “real” job.
Why can’t I be just an artist with no responsibilities.
Those boxes showed all my faults and to see them laid out like that allowed my mind to go to a space that was full of self doubt and guilt. And instead of faces those head on with myself, I used him and his gesture as a way to get out of truly feeling, those feelings.
It is much easier to blame others for the faults we see within ourselves. When we do that, we no longer have to face the reality of them. We don’t have to do the work to challenge ourselves to look at it with a different viewpoint.
To be honest, I wish I could live my life that way.
Discovering the different layers to who you are and why you are the way you are, is not something for the light hearted.
It’s a mucky job pulling up all the emotions we’ve held onto from the past. It’s an icky feeling, the guilt of wishing you found this path that you’re on sooner so you wouldn’t have to manage other little peoples life with your own.
As women, I think it is even harder to do that because we are condition at a young age that our worth is tied up in the worth of others we care for. That are dreams are not as important as the mans or childrens in our life’s are.
So when we go after our own, we feel guilty that we are choosing ourselves before them. I think that is why I wish to run away from all the responsibilities I have. Because it would making feeling these feelings a lot easier.
Because seeing them all laid out in front of you. Boxes and boxes on top of each other is hard to manage them all. It’s easier to tuck them behind something else or hide them away so you never have to deal with them.
So why bring it all out into the open?
Because soon those boxes and bags and emotional shit gets heavier and harder to handle when you’re juggling trying to find a new location to stash it because everywhere else is full.
We need to start unpacking it.
Giving it space to breathe so that we can finally make the choose to either keep it or let it go.
Is it worth something of value to us, these emotions? Does it give us a purpose or sense of joy? Or is it bonging us down? Making us believe that we are not capable of finding our own true essence, our true path. Is it telling us, that who we are is not good enough?
Because if it is then it’s time to unpack that shit and let it go.
From my own experience, I promise you that once you do, doors will be able to open and new life will be filled into those empty spaces and you will once again discover that you truly are worth more than the hurt. And that the what ifs and can nots will no longer apply to you.
Because you my friend, are extraordinary, even when you have a car full of shit to unpack.