I think for some people they believe that you can only be happy or be sad (or insert other emotion here.) not both. But what I have found out is that I can be all. I can be so damn joyful that it hurts my mouth the keep smiling and I can also be so damn sad that my lungs can’t breathe on their own.
Why is that we have to choose which emotion to feel at any given time? Why is that we can’t be all of those feelings and more?
I have a hard time with accepting to be one or the either. I tend to express them all at once. Just like how some times tears can fall because you are so joyful that you have to release something for you to move on.
Here I am.
I am generally I happy go lucky type of person. I tend to walk lighter then most people and not be pulled down in the depths of my heaviness.
I use to pride myself on that.
I would carry myself like “HEY! Look at me float above all this crap I’ve been told to carry.”
But now, there are days or moments in my days that I want to hold onto the heavy. I want to sit with awhile and have a nice chat about why this makes me the way I am.
I will explore its hidden passage ways and find the secret doors. I creep in there, waiting for the fear to make my heart beat a little faster. For sadness to push me back into my seat when I refuse to look at him in his face.
There is something there I think that I am trying to discover. Or maybe I want to be able to pull out the sunshine I have in my pocket and douse them with it. Only to prove to them that although they cover themselves with the dark that the light is so much more powerful.
Or maybe I want to prove to myself that I still have the strength I once did on the night the rape happened.
That I still can get up and walk the stairs to my moms kitchen like I did then and make the choice to hold on to this secret and not let her have to be thrown into the darkest too.
Maybe, maybe I just like living with the misery and joy so I can laugh when I somehow manage to combine them both into functioning aspects of my life.
Like its a game.
Whatever it is.
That is where I am and I don’t know if I am truly ready to let either of them go.